- Mutual Respect
- Understanding the BELIEF behind the BEHAVIOUR
- Communicate effectively by listening well and use respectful words
- Children hear better when they are invited to think and participate instead of being told what to think and do
- Understanding a child's world
- Effective discipline teaches valuable social and life skills
- Focusing on Solutions instead of Punishment
- Encouragement
- Children do better when they feel better
8 Methods for Implementing Positive Discipline
(1) Get children involved :
a. in the creation of routines
b. through the use of limited choices
c. by providing opportunities to help
(2) Teach Respect by being Respectful
(3) Use your sense of Humour
(4) Get into your child's world
(5) Say what you mean, and then follow through with kindness and firmness
(6) Be Patient
(7) Act, don't talk - and supervise carefully
(8) Accept and Appreciate your child's uniqueness
Time Out :
- should be a "Feel-Good Place" instead of 'punishment'
- should be to teach, encourage or soothe
* Always remember your child's development and capabilities
* Understanding temperament and age-appropriate behaviour will help
* Avoid yelling, punishing and nagging, which only invites power struggles
* Instead of insisting on obedience, try inviting cooperation
Since you can no more make your child listen than you can make him obey, what can you do? You can listen first, thus providing a model for listening.
Stop doing these things to your children :
- Screaming
- Yelling
- Lecturing
- Spanking
- Threats and Warnings
Punishment creates more misbehaviour. Moreover, positive learning does not take place in a threatening atmosphere and children do not listen when they are feeling scared, hurt or angry. In short, punishment derails the learning process. Young children can grow up healthy and happy in any family as long as that family is built on love, respect, dignity and belonging.
Kindness Shows respect for the humanity of the child and emphasizes the teaching of valuable skills. Kindness means not lecturing, shaming or humiliating a child. Firmness backs up your words with necessary action, helping children learn that you mean what you say (which also means you must be careful of what you say). Firmness means being sure that the agreed-upon tasks are done.
Ways to Respond to Lying :
- Join in, pretending with the child by exaggerating the story and making it funny and absurd
- Focus on solutions rather than on blame. Instead of asking who made the mess, ask if the child needs help cleaning it up, or ask if the child has ideas about how to solve the problem
- When you suspect a lie, state it: "That sounds like a story to me. I wonder what the truth is."
- Empathize with a child. Ask if he feels scared to admit to making a mess. Assure him we all feel scared at times.
- Explain the need to accept responsibility for his actions : "We all make mistakes, but blaming others, even imaginary people, does not take away responsibility for what we did."
- Talk about the meaning of trust. Help a child see the connection between telling the truth and having others trust what he says
Adults offer encouragement when, through curiosity questions, they help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them. Curiosity questions also help children understand what they feel, why they feel that way, and how they can make amends. In this way, children will feel encouraged to learn from their mistakes. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.
The 9 Temperaments:
(1) Activity Level (refers to level of Motor Activity and Proportion of Active & Inactive Periods)
(2) Rhythmicity (refers to Sleeping, Hunger, Bowel Movements)
(3) Initial Response (refers to reaction to new situation or stimulus such as food, toy, person, place and their Approach or Withdrawal)
(4) Adaptibility
(5) Sensory Threshold (refers to sound of door opens during sleeping, clothing material, falling down, rough play, gentle)
(6) Quality of Mood (refers to seeing the world through negativity or positivity, which neither is right or wrong)
(7) Intensity of Reaction (refers to respond to events around them in different ways)
(8) Distractibility
(9) Persistence and Attention Span (Persistence refers to a child's willingness to pursue an activity in the face of obstacles or difficulties; Attention span describes the length of time he will pursue an activity without interruption)
Be sure that it is your child temperament and not your own that motivates you. You should always be your child's best advocate and supporter. One of the most beautiful way of expressing love for a child is learning to love the child - not the child you wish you had. All parents have dreams for their children, and dreaming is not a bad thing. If we are to encourage our children, though, and build their sense of self esteem and belonging, we must take time to teach and encourage their dreams - not our own.
Understanding and communicating with your child means diciphering her nonverbal clues. Understanding what she is feeling and helping her to understand it as well. It means teaching her that what she feels is ok but what she does may not be ok. Example : "I can see how angry and hurt you feel right now. I can't let you kick your brother, but maybe we can find a way to help you express your feelings in a way that doesn't hurt anyone." Feelings are the language of energy. The very word emotion has as it's base word motion; our feelings and emotions do move us, mentally, verbally or physically. The energy of emotions can be positive or negative. You can't see energy or hear it.
The power of Nonverbal communication :
(1) Eye Contact
(2) Posture and Position
(3) Tone of Voice
(4) Facial Expressions and Touch
You need to be constantly aware of the messages you are sending your child - whether your words and your actions agree. If you want to communicate, get down on his level. Kneel next to him, sit beside him on the sofa, or set him on a seat where his eyes can meet yours comfortably. Now, not only can you maintain eye contact while you speak to him, but you've eliminated the sometimes overpowering difference in size and height. Also watch out the signals your posture sends; crossed arms or legs eg. can indicate resistance or hostility.
Active listening does not require that you agree with your child's feeling, but it allows your child to feel connected and understood.
Example A :
Child initial respond : "No! I won't take a nap!"
Adult initial negative respond : "Of course you need your nap - you've been up since six. When will you learn that you need to rest?"
Adult positive respond : "You look disappointed that you have to stop playing with your toys. You were having a lot of fun."
Child initial respond : "I want a bottle like the baby has."
Adult initial negative respond : "Don't be silly. Only babies use bottles. You're a big boy now."
Adult positive respond : "Sounds like you're feeling left out in all the fuss over your new baby sister. Is there more you can tell me?"
Child initial respond : "I hate going to the doctor."
Adult initial negative respond : "I keep telling you, you have to go to the doctor to feel better."
Adult positive respond : "Sometimes I feel a little afraid of going to the doctor, too."
Child initial respond : "Nobody will let me play with them."
Adult initial negative respond : "Why sweetie, you know you have lots of friends. What about....."
Adult positive respond : "You seem pretty sad about being ignored by the older kids."
Ways to help your child recognize and manage feelings :
(1) Invite the child to draw a picture of how the emotion feels. Does it have a colour? A sound?
(2) Ask the child to talk through rather than act out what she is feeling
- "Sounds like you might be feeling hurt and want to get even."
- "Are you having a hard time holding your anger inside?"
- "When you don't get what you want, does it make you so angry you can hardly stand it?"
(When you are correct in guessing her feelings, your child will feel validated and relieved at being understood)
(3) Ask the child what she notices happening in her body when she gets really angry
(After your child describe, work together to help her recognize when she's getting really angry and provide ways to cool off)
(4) Keep a feelings faces chart handy and refer to it with your child, asking, "Does one of these faces show how you feel?"
(5) Provide an acceptable way to deal with anger.
(Eg. punching a bop bag, pretending to be a ferocious dinosaur, screaming into a pillow, playing with play-doh, anger box which is a knee-high cardboard box where an angry child can go to stand, jump or yell when upset)
(6) Teach a slow-breathing technique
(7) Ask the child if it will help her to take a positive time-out to cool before acting on her strong emotions
(Adult can go to the time-out with the child to show as an extra display of support)
(8) Use books and pictures to initiate discussions about anger and other emotions. Pictures of other people displaying different feelings is helpful because it teaches children to recognize facial and body language cues. It also helps children to identify their own emotions and accompanying body signals.
(9) Help your child create an anger wheel of choice. Then he can choose something from the wheel that he feels would help him express his anger in a nondestructive manner.
(10) Let your child have the last word. It isn't helpful to try to talk a child out of her feelings or to try to fix things for her. Have faith in your child; let her feelings run their course and, when she is calm, focus on teaching skills so she can look for solutions to her problems.
One helpful way of expressing feelings is by using "I statements." An "I statement" in a simple formula such as "I feel ________ about ________ because _________, and therefore _________" (Formulas come in handy when you're too emotional to think straight.) allows you to explain what you're feeling and why.
Examples :
* "I feel worried when blocks are thrown in the playroom, because on of the other children might get hurt. Would it help you to take some time out until you have calmed down, or do you have another solution to this problem?"
* "I feel angry when cereal is dumped on the floor, because I'm tired and I don't want to clean up the mess. If cereal is dumped on the floor again, I'll know you've decided not to eat and you can either put away your bowl or I will do so for you."
* "I feel upset and frustrated because the car has a flat tire, and now I'm going to be late to work."
* "I'm so angry right now that I need some time out until I can calm down, so I don't do or say something I'll regret later."
Parents and teachers also can practice separating a child from his sometimes inappropriate behaviour. You can reassure your child about his place in your affections and encourage his efforts to understand his world, while still teaching him that certain behaviours or actions are not acceptable. For example :
* "I love you, and I can't allow your to kick me when you're angry."
* "I'm glad you want to learn about the kitchen, and you can't melt your crayons on the stove."
* "I appreciate your help, and you're not quite old enough, to fix the vacuum cleaner."
(Remember, action is a more effective teaching tool with young children than words. If your child is at risk of injury or harm, act first - with kindness and firmness - then talk later.)
Sometimes it is most helpful to simply allow a child to feel angry (without rescuing or trying to fix her feelings) until the anger dissipates. After she has calmed down, you can help by asking curious questions and teaching your child to notice why she becomes angry.
The three As of special time are :
(1) Attitude
(take special and quality time, tells a child that he is valued, loved, and appreciated)
(2) Attention
(Focus on being fully present with your child, engage in an activity without any outside competition for your attention; no other family members, ringing phones, or scheduled commitments. Even a trip to the grocery store can become special when you devote your full attention to being together
(3) Alone
(Special time is time spent away from other family members, a shared time between one child and one adult.
One mother of five reads to each child for ten minutes every night, less than an hour of time spent reading. She cuddles with each child in the rocking chair in the corner of her bedroom while the other children help with after-dinner chores. Each child knows when her ten minutes are coming and is willing to honor the time Mom spends with the others. Interruptions are rare - and Mom gets to spend her evenings lovingly connected with her children instead of all alone in the kitchen, scouring the sink.
Mistaken Goal Chart :
The child's goal is :
Undue Attention which is to keep others busy or to get special service
If the parent/teacher feels :
Annoyed, Irritated, Worried, Guilty
And tends to react by :
Reminding, Coaxing, Doing things for the child he/she could do for him/herself
And if the child's response is :
Stops temporarily, but later resumes same or another disturbing behaviour
The belief behind the child's behaviour is :
I count (belong) only when I'm being noticed or getting special service. I'm only important when I'm keeping you busy with me.
Coded messages :
Notice me - involve me usefully
Parent / teacher proactive and empowering responses include :
Redirect by involving child in a useful task. "I love you and _________" (Example : I care about you and will spend time with you later."); redirect by assigning a task so child can gain useful attention; avoid special service; plan special time; set up routines; use problem solving; encourage; use family/class meetings; touch without words; ignore; set up nonverbal signals.
Encouragement for Undue Attention Seekers :
* Use active listening to deal with the belief instead of the behaviour
* Notice and Compromise
* Involve the child to gain useful attention through cooperation
* Give a reassuring hug
* Encourage the child's ability to entertain and soothe himself
The child's goal is :
Misguided Power (to be boss)
If the parent/teacher feels :
Challenged, Threatened, Defeated
And tends to react by :
Fighting, Giving in, Thinking "you can't get away with it" or "I'll make you", Wanting to be right
And if the child's response is :
Intensifies behaviour, Defiant, Compliance, Feels he/she's won when parent/teacher is upset, Passive power
The belief behind the child's behaviour is :
I belong only when I'm boss, in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can't make me.
Coded messages :
Let me help - Give me choices
Parent / teacher proactive and empowering responses include :
Redirect to positive power by asking for help; offer limited choices; don't fight and don't give in; withdraw from conflict; be firm and kind; act, don't talk; decide what you will do; let routines be the boss; leave and calm down; develop mutual respect; set a few reasonable limits; practice follow-through; encourage; use family/class meetings.
Encouragement for Seekers of Misguided Power :
* Offer limited choices
* Turn misguided power to useful power by asking for help
* Shut your mouth and act-kindly and firmly
* Ask if a positive time-out would be helpful
* Make a date for problem solving
The child's goal is :
Revenge (to get even)
If the parent/teacher feels :
Hurt, Disappointed, Disbelieving, Disgusted
And tends to react by :
Retaliating, Getting even, Thinking "How could you do this to me?"
And if the child's response is :
Retaliates, Intensifies, Escalates the same behaviour or chooses another weapon
The belief behind the child's behaviour is :
I don't think I belong so I'll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can't be liked or loved.
Coded messages :
I'm hurting - validate my feelings
Parent / teacher proactive and empowering responses include :
Acknowledge hurt feelings; avoid feeling hurt; avoid punishment and retaliation; build trust; use active listening; share your feelings; make amends; show you care; act, don't talk; encourage strengths; put kids in same boat; use family/class meetings.
Encouragement for Revenge Seekers :
* Deal with the hurt feelings
* Apologise if you caused the pain
* Listen to your child's feelings
* Make sure the message of love gets through
* Make amends not excuses
The child's goal is :
Assumed Inadequacy (to give up and be left alone)
If the parent/teacher feels :
Despair, Hopeless, Helpless, Inadequate
And tends to react by :
Giving up, Doing for, Overhelping
And if the child's response is :
Retreats further, Passive, No improvement, No response
The belief behind the child's behaviour is :
I can't belong because I'm not perfect, so I'll convince others not to expect anything of me; I am helpless and unable; it's no use trying because I won't do it right.
Coded messages :
Don't give up on me - show me a small step
Parent / teacher proactive and empowering responses include :
Break task down to small steps; stop all criticism; encourage any positive attempt; have faith in child's abilities; focus on assets; don't pity; don't give up; set up opportunities for success; teach skills / show how but don't do for; enjoy the child; build on his/her interests; encourage, encourage, encourage; use family/class meetings, Empathize with child.
Encouragement for Assumed Inadequacy :
* Have faith in your child and let her do things for herself
* Take time for training and encourage even the smallest steps
* Teach that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn
There is a parable that urges us to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before we condemn or criticise his actions. When you can get into your child's world (and walk in his small shoes), his behavour may begins to make sense. Misbehaving children are discouraged children, and encouragement is like rain to their parched souls.
When a Hurting Child Hurts Another Child
Understand that a child's mistaken goal might be revenge for his own hurts does not make injuring others acceptable. Making amends for physical aggression involves three steps :
1. Provide Damage Control
- Separate involved children or place one child out of reach of the offending child. Often this means placing both children in a cool-off area until they are calm enough to make better choices.
2. Address Hurt Feelings
- Take the time to find out what might be causing a child to feel hurt and allow the feelings to surface. When you accept and validate a child's feelings, you encourage his sense of belonging by sending the message that it is safe for him to have all kinds of feelings. This is a form of unconditional caring. Sometimes you can do nothing to erase the cause of a child's pain ie. parents fighting, illness in a family or other events that is beyond your control. Allowing a child a safe place to express his feelings and to feel supported and listened to can help him heal.
3. Make Amends
- Making amends is part of learning to take responsiblity for one's actions. You might ask the aggressor if he needs solutions for ways he might help the injured child feel better. You may come up with some ideas with him. A child may choose to offer an apology but you can't force him to say "I'm sorry" for doing so will teach a child to speak words without meaning them.
A Parent with Arguing Children can use one of the following three actions
1. Beat It
- You can choose to leave the area. It is amazing how many children stop fighting when they lose their audience. Choose a room (bathroom) with lock even though children pounce on the door, ignore (if you choose this method, it is a good idea to tell your children, in advance, that this is what you will do when they fight).
2. Bear It
- This is the most difficult option because it means staying in the same room without jumping in to stop the fight or fix the problem. If fighting happens in a car, pull the car aside, read a book, telling your children "I'll drive as soon as you are ready to stop fighting."
3. End the bout or boot em out
- If things are simply getting too heated and you're worried about their safety (or your house), you can send both children to cool off somewhere, or they can go outside if they want to continue their fight. Or they can "end the bout", an option they have at any time.
A child needs clear and firm guidance, and he needs teaching rather than lectures or punishment. When children argue over a toy, both children may learn how to use words to ask for what they need, "May I..." "I'm not done with the toy yet, I'll give you in five minutes" "Would you like to play with me?"
Adult can also create a scene such as holding an imaginary microphone and probe questions....
When Children Hurt Adults
1. Decide What You Will Do
- Let your child knows that every time he hits you or calls you a name, you will leave the room until he is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told him this once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately.
2. Hold The Child Kindly and Firmly
- If you are concerned that your child will tear up furniture, break things, or hurt herself, try sitting down and holding her firmly so that she cannot hit or kick, without lecturing or yelling, until the moment passes. Rocking gently may help her to calm down quickly
3. Share Your Feelings
- Tell him, "That really hurts (or that hurts my feelings). When you are ready, an aplogy would help me feel better." Do not demand or force an apology. The main purpose of this suggestion is to give a model of sharing what you feel and asking for what you would like. People don't always give us what we would like, but we show respect for ourselves by sharing our feelings and wishes in nondemanding ways.
4. Use A Positive Time-Out
- When your child hits or hurts anyone, ask, "Would it help you feel better to go to your cool-off place for awhile?" If your child doesn't want to go, you might model for him by saying, "I'm very upset right now. I think I'll go to a quiet spot until I feel better."
5. Ask Curiosity Questions
- Curiosity questions help a child explore the consequences of his behaviour. "What happens when you hit people or call them names? How does it make you feel? How does it make others feel? What could you do to help them feel better? How else could you get what you want?" Don't turn the conversation into a lecture.
6. Offer Limited Choices
- You can say, "Hitting and hurting others is not okay. You can stop hitting and stay here with me, or you can go to your room and have your feelings in private. You decide."
7. Put The Problem On The Family or Class Meeting Agenda
Often when it comes to stopping violent behaviour, as a wise person once said, if you want to understand the fruit, look at the tree. Children do indeed learn what they live, and changing angry, aggressive behaviour is best accomplished through kind, firm teaching about respect, nonviolent ways of solving problems, and watching adults practice what they preach.
A recent study at the University of Miami's Touch Research Institute discovered that going through the day without a hug, a pat on the shoulder, or even a handshake can be harmful - and some researchers believe that American children are dangerously touch-deprived. The institute's studies have shown that touch can reduce pain and stress, alleviate symptoms of depression, and help premature infants gain weight, among other benefits. Lack of human touch appears to increase the risk for aggression. Touch should always be welcomed and appropriate, but back rubs, hugs, and other loving touches may become a valuable part of your child's routine.
When a Child is not Sleepy at night
1. Help Him Feel Sleepy
- Have active exercise during the day to make him feel tired at night
- Try making active play part of your bedtime routine
- Consider taking a trip to the park
- Engaging in some rought-and-tumble play
- Signing up for evening swim classes
2. Respect His Needs and Yours
- Giving positive attention to him
- Carve out time to enjoy time alone with him
3. Quit Battling And Work Towards Cooperation
- Ask for his help
- Explain that you do not like to wait so long for him to fall asleep, ask him if he has any ideas about ways he can stop staying awake
- Work out a bedtime routine together
- Decide what you will do instead of what you try to make him do. Let him know your plan
- Seek solutions that work for all of you
4. Use kind and firm follow-through
- If you have tried the above and your child is still getting out of bed, simply put him back in bed but effective only when you remember the following :
> Don't say a word. Actions speak louder than words - and they are much harder to argue with
> Be sure your actions are both kind and firm. This means you eliminate even the nonverbal lectures (ie. your angry body language)
> Be consistent. If you put your child back in bed five times and then give in, you have taught her that she only has to be more persistent than you are
> Be sure you are spending special time with your child at other times during the day
Help For Picky Eaters
(1) Avoid becoming a short-order cook. Teach children older than four how to make their own peanut butter or turkey sandwiches.
(2) Offer choices. When children complain about a food, say "You can eat what is on the table or fix your own sandwich. What is your choice?"
(3) Invite solutions. If a child complains about the food served, ask "What do you need to do about that?" This invites children to use their thinking skills and problem-solving skills. It invites them to use their power in positive ways (instead of in power struggles) and to feel capable.
(4) Invite children to help plan menus during family meetings. Kids are more cooperative when they have been included. Get them involved in creating the shopping list.
(5) Share tasks. Let children help with shopping. Many grocery stores now have small carts that can be pushed around by preschoolers. Let children find certain items on the shopping list to put into your cart. When they want something that isn't on the list, kindly and firmly say, "That isn't on our list."
(6) Let children help with cooking. During the family meeting, let them decide which nights they want to help cook. Again, they are more likely to eat what they help cook and to be more cooperative when it is not their turn if they have been involved in the planning process.
(7) Respond without rescuing. Simply avoid the sparks (bids for undue attention) that become bonfires when you feed them. Use active listening ("I guess you don't like that") and avoid engaging in debates. And allow your children to handle the problem. ("You don't have to eat it. I'm sure you can make it until our next meal.")
(8) Ease your own anxiety about nutrition. Give your child a good multivitamin. Then relax. She'll eat when she's hungry.
